Are You a Good Friend?

Who do you want to be in your relationships?

Have you ever kept a mental scorecard with friends, co-workers or even loved ones? What I mean is keeping score of who empties the dishwasher, makes the bed, or takes the trash out, more often.

It could be that one or both of your parents were imperfect while you were growing up. And maybe they still are. They never fulfilled the idea you had of what a good mom or dad should be. Has it inspired you to be a different kind of parent?

What if your co-worker is always asking you to solve their problems and never seems to want to help you. It could be an old friend who never reaches out to call or see you. You always seem to have to be the one to initiate everything.

It is so easy to keep a mental scorecard. What I have found when being brutally honest with myself is that I am usually more lenient with my own flaws than my friends. It’s just so much fun to play the victim.

I think it is human nature as well. I realized years ago that I am the kind of person who loves to keep in touch with friends. After college, I was the one who always made the first call to my friends. Many almost never initiated a call. And yet we always enjoyed our talks and times together.

I let it really bother me for a long time. And one day I realized that I am just someone who makes staying in touch a priority. And that is the kind of friend I want to be. It’s easy for me and I enjoy it and as soon as I decided not to keep a scorecard, I was happier.

An added benefit is that I do a lot of networking. My practice has helped me be the networker who does follow up to initiate a coffee or further meeting. That has been invaluable for my businesses.

In marriage it’s so easy to rack up points against our spouse. And my epiphany about my friends made me rethink my need to one up my husband. I decided to choose the kind of partner I wanted to be. Who did I want to be in that relationship or in any relationship?

My mom was incredibly inspirational in many ways, but for years she didn’t seem to make me one of her priorities. I remember driving an hour to visit with her. After about a 15-minute chat she announced that her friend had just called to ask her for lunch at her multi million dollar home. I understood, right? No, actually I was quite hurt.

But I remembered my decision to just be the daughter that I wanted to be, to learn a lesson so that I would be a different kind of mom.

Now I ask myself, who do I want to be in this relationship. I work very hard not to fall back on the easy, “who should they be in this relationship for me to think it’s enough”. It helps my disappointment level and it makes me happier!

Who do you want to be in your relationships?

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